the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
