Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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