your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
