fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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