Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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