if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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