somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
