OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
