a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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