So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
