What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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