when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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