I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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