apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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