I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
