A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
