im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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