I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
