I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
