70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
