what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
