Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
