So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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