i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
