I don't have enough holes for all these australians
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
