I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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