He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
