I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
