She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
