So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
