Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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