I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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