***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
