Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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