Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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