I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Umm I'm too high to move.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
