Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
