my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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