Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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