dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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