The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
