The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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