just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
