He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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