You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
