I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
