I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
All I want is dick and wine.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
