Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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