You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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