Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
where am i from again
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize