I wish my penis had an off switch
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
