Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Is Oprah even human
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
