If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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