If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize