I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
