meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize