there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize