I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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