so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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