lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
