i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize