The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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