My first STD was from a foam party
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize